These are not the email addresses you're looking for

The Rules

So you want to email me? I've got my email address listed all over the place, so why not? If you would like your email to be read and not just deleted, then please read and follow the following rules. Most of it is normal Nettiquette (and if you don't know what that means then think of it as a combination of common sense and politeness) and the rest is a combination of things that annoy me, and ways to protect myself against viruses and the like.

  1. If you know me personally feel free to ignore all of the below, of course I want to hear from you mate!
  2. No unsolicited commercial, or bulk emails. No spam. Ever.
    1. I have a pretty sophisticated AI spam filtering system running on my mail box, so there's no point in even sending the spam my way.
    2. You may well have USD50,000,000 of entirely (il)legitimately gained money stored in a bank account in (Nigeria|South Africa|Milton Keynes) but I won't help you get it out of the country even if you offer me 40% after expenses.
    3. All of my body parts are of a sufficient size, I'm not interested in a loan no matter what it is or isn't secured on, I don't need another credit card in fact I'm not interested in anything you're selling.
  3. No HTML, RTF, MSRTF, or any other funny format mails. If my plain text email reader can't read it easily, then neither will I. The easiest way to ensure that your email is read is to send it in plain text, with no attachments.
  4. Don't write emails all in CAPITAL LETTERS this is called SHOUTING and is not only very rude, but also much harder to read.
  5. Write words out in full, and please make some attempt to spell them properly. That means don't use "r" when you mean "are", "u" when you mean "you", "2" when you mean "two", "to" or "too" and so on. No attempt will be made to translate emails written in "l33t".
  6. If you're replying to, or forwarding on a mail, please keep the original subject line intact, and leave the original message quoted in the mail using carets (>) or something similar. I send and receive loads of messages a day, and don't remember the exact contents of every one, so a little bit of context to jog the memory helps me work out what you're on about sometimes.
  7. If you're expecting me to reply to you then write from your email address. I will reply to the address that my mail software tells me to, not the one hidden away in some little PS at the bottom of your mail.
  8. Special rules when sending attachments:
    1. Don't. I automatically assume any email from someone I don't know or recognize with an attachment on it is a virus, so there's very little chance I'm going to bother looking at your email.
    2. Scan the file with a reputable, up to date virus checker before you send it, please.
    3. No attachments over 50kb in size. This mail box only has a finite size, and if we get too many attachments in one day it can overflow. If you do have a really good file that is over the size limit, then please email me a full description, including it's file size, and I'll get back to you with an alternate address to send it to.
    4. If sending any attachment other than a picture file please describe what it does, how, and whether or not there is any potential harm to the recipient in the main body of the email.
  9. Any email received is assumed to be for publication either on this site or any other within the jard network (and we reserve the right to edit, parody or ridicule it when published), unless you specifically inform me that your mail is not for publication.
  10. We don't have a big links page, just a few selected links spread throughout the site. Your site is going to have to be very special to join them, so please think twice before asking for a link.
  11. Finally a big thanks to all of you who have sent us mail, without you this site would not have been possible.